Photo Un-Impressions (Men Read UP!)

So, pardon me if this is a redundant post…but I feel like I am in a bit of a rut of late. And even though online dating is one of the banes of modern existence, I am giving it another shot. Who knows– maybe my sparkling wit will came off as appealing rather than the demeanor of a hardened criminal to someone other than a hardened criminal? No…well, a girl can hope!

He may be cute, but who the hell is she???!!

He may be cute, but who the hell is she???!!

The thing that has me absolutely BAFFLED though, is the picture men chose to put up on these sites! BEYOND bafflement….and here are the types:

  1. The “I’m clearly in a picture with another girl that I’ve cropped out to give the impression I am popular and that she is my ex (even though really that’s my sister and cousin)”
  2. The “I’m clearly in a picture with other guys that I’ve cropped out to give the impression I am cool and have friends (even though really that’s my brother and his friends at his bachelor party where I totally was a 9th wheel)”
  3. The “I’m clearly in a crowd of people to give you the impression that I don’t just sit in my room and play Halo (even though it’s a green screen)”
  4. The “I am so ugly and embarrassed of my face but not my gun show (or even worse your dick)”
  5. The “I like kids so clearly I should pose with them, making it really confusing for any woman to determine if they are mine or just some randoms (even though it says on my profile that I have no kids)”
  6. The “I have a picture up so clearly I’m not bald or missing eyebrows (even if you can’t see my face because I have sunglasses and a hat on)”
  7. The “I’m clearly just a regular joe who loves a good beer and football (so don’t you love my XXXL jersey and the PBL in my hand?)”
  8. The “Look at how sporty I clearly am (even though this is beyond posed and I’ve never played baseball/football/ anyball before)”
  9. The “I’m too cool to have pictures of myself (because I only take pictures of my food)”

So basically what I’m saying…make your pictures better. They don’t need to be works of art, you don’t need to be the most handsome man on earth. But I would rather a real picture of you than a picture of you with 5 other “DUDES” where I have to deduce which one could possibly be you….

Dating: A Child’s POV

This was sent to me by a friend:

okay…have you ever asked a kid between the ages of 5 and 10 whether they have a boyfriend/girlfriend? if not, try it some time (I is as hilarious as this story!). i have done this with several of the kids i babysit for, and, most recently, my 8-and-a-half-year-old cousin. the conversation is always the same, and it goes something like this (spot on!):

me: ben, do you have a girlfriend?
ben: yup.
me: really? what’s her name?
ben: audrey.
me: how do you know her?
ben: she’s in my class.
me: that’s awesome. do you guys hang out a lot?
ben: nope. not at all.
me: what do you mean? you’ve never had a playdate with her before?
ben: nope.
me: but she’s your girlfriend?
ben: yup.
me: does she KNOW she’s your girlfriend?
ben: nope.
me: you’ve never…mentioned this to her?
ben: nope.
me: but she’s your girlfriend.
ben: yup.

wouldn’t that be great, if we could just pick someone and DECIDE, without their consent, that they were our significant other? i am fascinated by the world of elementary school children in which this is possible.

It so would! So, Bradley Cooper, heads up! We’re engaged!

Surprise! The announcement will be in The New York Times and People Magazine next week!