Well the name of this post kind of gives away what happened, huh? Let’s rewind and review…like we were on a tv show and an announcer was saying “on last week’s adventure…..”
So, my manicurist set me up with a guy in Philly…we went out….we went out again….high school made out Titanic style….and then came time for me to return home to LA….
So, I’m going to be honest. I am a little behind on stories (aka my life) so I am just going to get the most recent one off my chest/ brain/ heart (bleghhhh) and then go from there….
Well, I mentioned a few weeks back that I had an interesting make out in a car, a make out that felt so high school it could only have happened in front of my parents’ home. Well there is a reason for that. See…my mother has been getting her nails done by the same woman for over 27 years. Wait, aren’t you 27, SSG? Yes, I am. My mother has been seeing the same manicurist since I was an egg and a sperm. Loyalty…yes.
So, whenever I go home, my mom books me an appointment with this manicurist, who I love dearly. And since she loves me dearly, she would like me to settle down with a NJG (nice Jewish guy) not in Los Angeles, where I actually live, but in Philadelphia. And of course she had someone in mind. Because when I walked in one Black Friday, the manicurist gave me the normal guilt trip,but also had the mother of a NJG sitting and waiting for her nails to dry.
And then in walks MY mother….not the braggy type at all, who apparently went on a 30 minute braggy rant about me to some Jewish mom in the nail salon while I got a Pedicure. Let me know if you need a break from the overwhelming Jewlarity of all this.
Well, somehow this NJG’s mom was impressed by me, but not by the fact that I lived across the country. Smart lady! (whoops…foreshadowing??) So she left with her dry nails, and I proceeded to get the 18th degree (see what I did there?) about my lack thereof a love life in LA and why I need to move back to Philly.
As my mom and I got into the car, the manicurist texted my mom in excitement. “NJG wants to go out with SSG!” Ok, I figured what the hell…it’s not like any NJGs, or even Gs (guys) are beating down my door in LA to go out. Why not? So after receiving a phone call from NJG (guys, a PHONE CALL…as in NOT A TEXT) we planned to meet up for drinks that night. And I had a really nice time. Like way nicer than most first dates usually go. Maybe it was because my expectations were lowered because I had nothing to loose, or maybe it was just because I really liked him…
….I already wrote about date number two, so you know how that goes. But why don’t I split this up a bit and leave you on your seats…begging for more…wanting to know what could have possibly happened….To be continued
Ok, I think it’s pretty obvious here from my well declared “SINGLE GAL STATUS” (SGS) that I wasn’t the coolest cat in high school. I wasn’t making out under the bleachers, or in the QB’s beamer, or…I don’t know…where else did the popular kids who actually had sex lives in high school do things?
I keep meaning to write about this and just keep forgetting to. You all might recall a few months ago I went on a “group date” via the dating site Grouper. It was pretty fun, even if the men weren’t necessarily the right fit or even fun at all, because you are on a group date with two of your friends. So fun time pretty much guaranteed…unless your friends are the most boring people alive.
Something’s Fishy around here….
Well, the last time I went, the guys were, well how should I say….awful? I even wrote this on a post:
SSG: Grouper fail
Lexi: What?! What happened? Sounded like the night was getting gooood at the Dawson’s Creek singalong!
SSG: Nope! One of the guys already left! But there might be one match happening
Lexi: Oooo! Lucky pair. Sorry to hear the guys weren’t exactly your type but so happy you were able to make a fun night out of it!
SSG: The guy that we are “stuck talking to” as he won’t leave his friend, he told me he doesn’t trust anything I say
Lexi: Hahaha omg! Why would he say that?
SSG: He sucks
Lexi: Yiiiiiiikes
SSG: Yeah he also did a live reading of my blog.. Which was funny, but as it was about a bad date is kind if ironic
Lexi: Hahaha goodness! What are the odds.
SSG: Lets hope better next time
Lexi: We’ll make sure of it! Promise!
Lexi, for the uninitiated, is the “concierge” from Grouper, who checks in on your dates and makes sure things are going smoothy. Well, trouble is Lexi made me a promise that I would get another match, a better one than this crummy date! So when a month rolled around and no date had been sent my way, I emailed Lexi and received this response:
Hi Mara,
Thanks so much for reaching out. As soon as we find you a great match, we’ll reach back out to get your next Grouper all set up! I know it can be frustrating, but we’d rather make you wait for an awesome experience than rush you out the door for a mediocre one.
Please let me know if you have any other questions!
All the best,
Lexi
Ok, that’s fair. She cared about me! She didn’t want me to have another shitty date. She didn’t want me to waste my time, OR my friends’ time on losers. Awesome. So sweet.
So another two months roll by, as I sit there twiddling my thumbs, hoping, praying for Lexi to come save the day! And….NOTHING! So I send her another email:
Hey Lexi,
Just following up on this! I haven’t received anything from grouper in MONTHS!!
Thanks,
Mara
And how does she brush me off? By responding to me via TEXT!
Hey Mara,
Apologies about that- we just want to make sure we send you out on a Grouper with a great match so that you’ll have a good time! The last thing we want is to match you and then not have a good time. I promise I will reach out as soon as we find a great match!
Ok, so Lexi, and Grouper, let’s have a word….because this text…it was sent in June. Do you think I would rather feel like I am unmatchable? That there is no one in the entire Los Angles Metro area that could possibly, POSSIBLY want to spend an hour with me OR that maybe I would like to have a mediocre time and actually hear back from you? I’m guessing I wouldn’t like to feel worthless and unloved…..but that’s up to you Grouper. Until then, #Grouperfail
I would if I could Lexi…..I would if I could
Ok, this actually is more “sad” in the sense of:
Creepy. As. FUCK
Also.Creepy.As.FUCK
Well, basically this story is tale as old as time. Girl meets Girl. They become “BFF” – Best Friends Forever. Or until Girl meets Boy. And then you have the first few months, when Boy and Girl go from BF and GF to one entity, attached at the hip, only to appear in public in the form of “couples.” As in multiples. As in, they try it out with Girl #1, who, let’s be real, we can call her Lonely Girl, a few times, and it’s just plain AWK. As in, they stop asking her out, because Girl and Boy are now a they, and Lonely Girl is not. And the “Theys” only want to be with other “Theys”, not ( shiver) “Singles”.
So, slowly but surely, that once Forever in BFF gets tossed out the window. You maybe text occasionally. Still refer to each other as “Best Friends”, but when was the last time you really saw each other? And then it happens. Lonely Girl realizes that her once BFF, who basically promised to be there for her in singleness and in health, hasn’t answered a text, email, call, message via carrier pigeon in months. And who does this really suck for….Lonely Girl.
Hey There, Lonely Girl….
Because at least 1/2 of Siamese Couple has the other half still, and all those other couple friends. Lonely Girl is basically left in the dust to repeat the cycle again. The Cycle of the Single Gal. And she doesn’t even get to benefit from her BFF’s new Boyfriend’s hopefully decent taste in friends. Or even bad taste for a slutty hookup.
The Cycle of the Single Gal
THE SAD ADVENTURES OF A SINGLE GAL 