So, I’m going to be honest. I am a little behind on stories (aka my life) so I am just going to get the most recent one off my chest/ brain/ heart (bleghhhh) and then go from there….
Well, I mentioned a few weeks back that I had an interesting make out in a car, a make out that felt so high school it could only have happened in front of my parents’ home. Well there is a reason for that. See…my mother has been getting her nails done by the same woman for over 27 years. Wait, aren’t you 27, SSG? Yes, I am. My mother has been seeing the same manicurist since I was an egg and a sperm. Loyalty…yes.
So, whenever I go home, my mom books me an appointment with this manicurist, who I love dearly. And since she loves me dearly, she would like me to settle down with a NJG (nice Jewish guy) not in Los Angeles, where I actually live, but in Philadelphia. And of course she had someone in mind. Because when I walked in one Black Friday, the manicurist gave me the normal guilt trip,but also had the mother of a NJG sitting and waiting for her nails to dry.
And then in walks MY mother….not the braggy type at all, who apparently went on a 30 minute braggy rant about me to some Jewish mom in the nail salon while I got a Pedicure. Let me know if you need a break from the overwhelming Jewlarity of all this.
Well, somehow this NJG’s mom was impressed by me, but not by the fact that I lived across the country. Smart lady! (whoops…foreshadowing??) So she left with her dry nails, and I proceeded to get the 18th degree (see what I did there?) about my lack thereof a love life in LA and why I need to move back to Philly.
As my mom and I got into the car, the manicurist texted my mom in excitement. “NJG wants to go out with SSG!” Ok, I figured what the hell…it’s not like any NJGs, or even Gs (guys) are beating down my door in LA to go out. Why not? So after receiving a phone call from NJG (guys, a PHONE CALL…as in NOT A TEXT) we planned to meet up for drinks that night. And I had a really nice time. Like way nicer than most first dates usually go. Maybe it was because my expectations were lowered because I had nothing to loose, or maybe it was just because I really liked him…
….I already wrote about date number two, so you know how that goes. But why don’t I split this up a bit and leave you on your seats…begging for more…wanting to know what could have possibly happened….To be continued
Ok, I think it’s pretty obvious here from my well declared “SINGLE GAL STATUS” (SGS) that I wasn’t the coolest cat in high school. I wasn’t making out under the bleachers, or in the QB’s beamer, or…I don’t know…where else did the popular kids who actually had sex lives in high school do things?
I keep meaning to write about this and just keep forgetting to. You all might recall a few months ago I went on a “group date” via the dating site Grouper. It was pretty fun, even if the men weren’t necessarily the right fit or even fun at all, because you are on a group date with two of your friends. So fun time pretty much guaranteed…unless your friends are the most boring people alive.
Something’s Fishy around here….
Well, the last time I went, the guys were, well how should I say….awful? I even wrote this on a post:
SSG: Grouper fail
Lexi: What?! What happened? Sounded like the night was getting gooood at the Dawson’s Creek singalong!
SSG: Nope! One of the guys already left! But there might be one match happening
Lexi: Oooo! Lucky pair. Sorry to hear the guys weren’t exactly your type but so happy you were able to make a fun night out of it!
SSG: The guy that we are “stuck talking to” as he won’t leave his friend, he told me he doesn’t trust anything I say
Lexi: Hahaha omg! Why would he say that?
SSG: He sucks
Lexi: Yiiiiiiikes
SSG: Yeah he also did a live reading of my blog.. Which was funny, but as it was about a bad date is kind if ironic
Lexi: Hahaha goodness! What are the odds.
SSG: Lets hope better next time
Lexi: We’ll make sure of it! Promise!
Lexi, for the uninitiated, is the “concierge” from Grouper, who checks in on your dates and makes sure things are going smoothy. Well, trouble is Lexi made me a promise that I would get another match, a better one than this crummy date! So when a month rolled around and no date had been sent my way, I emailed Lexi and received this response:
Hi Mara,
Thanks so much for reaching out. As soon as we find you a great match, we’ll reach back out to get your next Grouper all set up! I know it can be frustrating, but we’d rather make you wait for an awesome experience than rush you out the door for a mediocre one.
Please let me know if you have any other questions!
All the best,
Lexi
Ok, that’s fair. She cared about me! She didn’t want me to have another shitty date. She didn’t want me to waste my time, OR my friends’ time on losers. Awesome. So sweet.
So another two months roll by, as I sit there twiddling my thumbs, hoping, praying for Lexi to come save the day! And….NOTHING! So I send her another email:
Hey Lexi,
Just following up on this! I haven’t received anything from grouper in MONTHS!!
Thanks,
Mara
And how does she brush me off? By responding to me via TEXT!
Hey Mara,
Apologies about that- we just want to make sure we send you out on a Grouper with a great match so that you’ll have a good time! The last thing we want is to match you and then not have a good time. I promise I will reach out as soon as we find a great match!
Ok, so Lexi, and Grouper, let’s have a word….because this text…it was sent in June. Do you think I would rather feel like I am unmatchable? That there is no one in the entire Los Angles Metro area that could possibly, POSSIBLY want to spend an hour with me OR that maybe I would like to have a mediocre time and actually hear back from you? I’m guessing I wouldn’t like to feel worthless and unloved…..but that’s up to you Grouper. Until then, #Grouperfail
NO! Get your mind out of the freakin’ gutter! I am not referring to threesomes vs. masturbation….nor am I referring to Basketball and the upcoming NCAA tournament, in which I somehow manage to do fairly well every year with little to no knowledge. No, I’m talking about dating (durrhhh…what else would I be talking about).
Well, when I was stuck in bed with mono for about a month, I obviously watched more than my fair share of senseless TV. And when you think of senseless TV, I don’t know what you think of, but my mind goes straight to Andy Cohen and Bravo! Housewives, and Matchmakers, and Top Chefs, Oh My! I love it all! So, clearly as this show was canceled and aired at like 7:00pm at night, no one else was watching Start-Ups: Silicon Valley. Well, it was about internet start ups. And no matter how pretty some of the people were, they were nerds…awkward nerds. Which doesn’t make for riveting television I guess…
So one of the nerds (maybe I should be nicer…he sold his company to Facebook on the show and is now richer than I will ever be..) well, he went to New York to visit a friend whose internet startup was based there. And this is where I found out about Grouper.
So if you have been under a rock, or already have a mate and just get a good ole kick out of my hilarious mistakes on the road to love, you probably don’t know of Grouper. Well, basically it is “Group Dating.” Imagine the idea of someone you know saying, “I’ve got someone who’s perfect for you!” And they tell you were and when to meet, but NOTHING about the other person. Meaning, no preconceived facebook stalking! But what makes this even better is that you get to bring two friends with you, and your set up brings two friends with them! Everyone is being set up! WHAAAAAA??!!!! Yup. NO longer do you have to have your friend do “the call,” the are you alive/is he cute/do you need a fauxmergency?
So I have currently been on two groupers. (btw the site doesn’t like you to call them dates…it’s a social club….they are groupers…ok). So the first one I went on, my friends and I get to our assigned location on time and awkwardly sit at our reserved table in a row of three (they make a reservation and the first drink is included in the fee). And there is one guy sitting alone at the bar…and I know in the back of my mind that he is one of the guys. And of course as ladies we start talking…probably embarassing shit….and then two guy walks up to the guy at the bar and they of course are our three men. It was actually a fairly nice icebreaker though.
And that “grouper” actually seemed to go well. Each girl was into a different guy….which obviously is a concern, right? What if all three girls like the same guy? So, yeah, it was fun. Good talk, good time. And at the end of the night, the three of us ladies gave of emails (I know..) to one of the guys. And, surprise, surprise, we actually were emailed the next day, with the two other guys cc’ed saying they had a great time! And I even got grouper point (yeah, well, actually KARMA…) saying someone had a great time! SO I emailed the guy that I liked…that I presumably was hitting it off with. And then, NOTHING. Nada. No response. Oh well.
So last Thursday was my second grouper. One of the girls has started seeing someone since our last one, so another single friend of mine became apart of the threesome. And let me just say, I would rather have a good time and the guy not respond then these three milquetoast dudes (yea! I found a reason to use that word in real life).
So a feature of Grouper I haven’t mentioned is your concierge…our LA one is Lexi. Well, can I just the best part of my grouper was texting with her? Shall I post it? Yes? Ok!!!
Lexi: Hey SSG, hope things are going well! Don’t forget to take a groupergram for a shot at a free round.
SSG: They are not totally our type but nice
Lexi: Eeekk… I’m really sorry they didn’t turn out to be the best match for you girls… Hope it’s still a fun night though!
SSG: We’re talking about finding our parents porn
I hope this makes it on texts from grouper
Lexi: Hahaha, ahhh classic Grouper bonding ;-p
SSG: Haha
SSG: We got the bar to play the Dawson’s creek theme song and are singing along
Lexi: Is the bar singing along with you!??!?
SSG: No! Just us three girls and one of the boys.. And they thought you were a bot!
Lexi: A bot?! Come on now 😉
SSG: You are so not a bot!
Lexi: You know it, girl
SSG: Grouper fail
Lexi: What?! What happened? Sounded like the night was getting gooood at the Dawson’s Creek singalong!
SSG: Nope! One of the guys already left! But there might be one match happening
Lexi: Oooo! Lucky pair. Sorry to hear the guys weren’t exactly your type but so happy you were able to make a fun night out of it!
SSG: The guy that we are “stuck talking to” as he won’t leave his friend, he told me he doesn’t trust anything I say
Lexi: Hahaha omg! Why would he say that?
SSG: He sucks
Lexi: Yiiiiiiikes
SSG: Yeah he also did a live reading of my blog.. Which was funny, but as it was about a bad date is kind if ironic
Lexi: Hahaha goodness! What are the odds.
SSG: Lets hope better next time
Lexi: We’ll make sure of it! Promise!
Ok, so clearly there where fun/funny moments. But that’s because my friends were there. Which is why even though it was a GROUPER FAIL, it was still super fun. Because I’m still always going to have fun on a night out with my girls! Especially when Paula Cole is involved….
So, for those of you readers that haven’t been paying attention, a lot has been going on in my life recently like major things…that kind of make me in a state of flux as of late. Which actually is great, it makes me willing to try new things, be corny as shit and “say yes to life.”
So much so, that when asked if I’m single and happy to be set up, I of course say yes. Because what’s the best that can happen? I meet the love of my life, we have a gorgeous wedding, and I rename this blog “The Amazing Adventures of a Bitch you all Should be Jealous” cause that ain’t never gonna happen. Worst case scenario: I get an awesome tale to add to my adventures!
THE SAD ADVENTURES OF A SINGLE GAL 