Have you missed me? Have you been checking and rechecking my blog wondering where I went? Hoping to know if I was still sad and single (I can assure you I am!)? Have you been lost without my ramblings of singledom to get you through your days? Well, I’m back! And I apologize most loyal fans (cough, friends that I guilt into reading, cough)…for I never meant to make you feel like the girl who just texted a guy and is then sitting and staring at her phone wondering, “Why did you do that, Stupid?!”

Which brings me to my next topic…of being that girl who just texted a guy and is then sitting and staring at her phone wondering, “Why did you do that, Stupid?!” If you have even glanced at my blog before, I am sure you have noted my disdain for modern day “romance” (or the lack there of). When it comes to what passes itself off as romance these days is muddled in a mess of technological exchanges that becomes a game of “no, it’s their turn!” And you KNOW what I mean. DO NOT pretend that you don’t do this, even if you aren’t some Rules following, Patti Stanger convert. It most often will go something like this:

1. Girl sees guy at bar.
2. Girl flirts with guy.
3. Guy flirts back (mild interest).
4. Guy gives Girl number.
5. Girl texts Guy.
6. No response from Guy.
7. Girl facebook friends Guy.
8. No response from Guy.
9. Girl gets embarrassed.
10. Girl rescinds facebook requests.
11. Girl repeats cycle.

Or something like this:

1. Guy sees girl at bar.
2. Girl flirts back with Guy.
3. Guy gives Girl his number.
4. Girl also gives Guy her number.
5. Girl waits for Guy to text.
6. Guy asks Girl on date.

Or even something like this:

1. Guy and Girl meet at a bar.
2. No numbers are exchanged.
3. They both try to stalk each other on facebook, linkdin, etc, but are too scared to be the one to make the first move and be deemed creepy.
4. They both die alone, having met their soulmate and never doing anything about it (or something like that!)

Well, another thing my lost loyal “fans” know about me, is that I am definitely of the “those who can’t, teach” variety. When it comes to relationships or dating, personally I am like The Little Mermaid on land before she gets legs. But me giving advice to someone else, and all of sudden I have legs! So recently, I was helping someone out with their new dating situation. We’ll call her the Little Mermaid. So she had met a guy and was at the first part of dating, where you still don’t know where you stand…(stand…haha, mermaid?). You could text one too many times, and it could go wrong. You could text the wrong thing, and it could go wrong. You just never know at that point!

So Little Mermaid (she is going to kill me for calling her that…haha) had been texting back and forth with this guy a fair amount (good signs in my book…if I ever write one…would you buy it?). He had even brought up the idea of meeting up one night that following week (they had already been on a real date, another good sign). So Little Mermaid did what all of us little mermaids out there do and texted the guy and then freaked out. But she sent him a perfectly acceptable text. Something along the lines of “I’m available to meet up Tuesday or Friday. Let me know which is better.” Something along those lines (Ladies, don’t give men too many options…the more specific you are the better!)

But as soon as she hit the send on her iphone, she freaked out and panicked…and wouldn’t stop staring at her phone. It got so bad I actually had to take it from her. But we all know that he wasn’t going to respond right away! Because that would seem to eager, right?

Because as much as we all say we’re not playing little games…we TOTALLY are. Even if you read the text right away, you are going to wait an “acceptable” time before responding, cause who wants to actually look like the loser that was doing nothing all night but actually responding to someone who was trying to reach them?

But as I was siting at a bar enjoying some refreshments with Little Mermaid and her friend, (we’ll continue with the Little Mermaid theme I guess) Sebastian, we got to thinking (joking really) about horrible texts to send guys. Like what would scare the living daylights and maybe even cause a restraining order or two. Here are some we thought of:

1. i just drove by your house and your lights are on, do you want me to come up?
2. Are you ok? I haven’t heard back from you in four minutes and 23 seconds
3. I’m free monday…or tuesday…or wednesday…or thursday…or friday…or saturday…or sunday
4. Surprise! I’m Pregnant!
5. Surprise! I have Herpes!
6. Hey. my mom and dad are in town and I have told them all about you.They are dying to meet you. 8pm at your place?
7. I was just studying your facebook page and realized we have the same favorite movie! I love Caddyshack too!

Basically…I could keep going. Or you can! Post all ridiculous texts in the comments or tweet me @sadsinglegal and I will pick a winner. Who knows, maybe I will give this winner a prize! But that means you have to actually post something!!! So get to typing….