If you are not aware, I live in Los Angeles. A city that is pretty hard to find a man in, as it seems to be bifurcated into tiny little pockets were you have to find the person that might suit you best. So, any help, guidance, handbooks are welcome. Well, yesterday while purchasing a book at Barnes and Noble….yes, I still buy books…I came across the new issue of Los Angeles magazine, with the cover reading “This Issue is Smokin’! SEX IN LA”

Well, I’m sorry editors of Los Angeles Magazine, I usually find your magazine interesting, but NO! Just no. You fail. I came in with the high hopes I understand that you would have some interesting advice of where a single gal like me could find a man, cool places to go that I hadn’t heard of, maybe parts of town that would be best for me….

But, NO. Instead you tell us that MILF or DILF lovers should go to the South Bay, Cougar and Silver Fox chasers should hit up Bel Air, and Hipster wanna-fucks should migrate east to Echo Park. WOW! REALLLYYYYYY? I didn’t Know ANY OF THAT!!! Groundbreaking report LAMag!

Also annoying is there “exploration” of online dating profile pics by an evolutionary psychologist. Basically, we are gonna add in another “expert” opinion…MINE!

Why Ken Thinks He’s Sexy: “My Blue eyes, sideways smile, good nature, ability to laugh, and sensitivity.”

LAMag’s “Real” Reason: “His moderate jaw and soft eyebrow ridges keep him from seeming too aggressive, an attractive quality in a long-term partner.” Also his watch is “doing more than keeping time.It shows he has resources — resources he could invest in a partner.”

SSG’s thoughts: This is clearly a headshot. The background, the positioning of the picture, all signal that “Ken” is an out of work actor that is most likely going to make you go dutch on your date. And the blue eyes he thinks are so sexy? Well, I can only see one, because the other is kind of wonky.

Why Gissell Thinks she’s Sexy: “I can be playful and not take myself too seriously. I’m confident with who I am.”

LAMag’s “Real” Reason: “Gissell’s pose speaks louder than her half hidden features. It says she’s looking for a mate. She’s playing with her hair; an obvious female-specific behaviour by our cultural standards — the more comfortable equivalent of wearing five-inch heels.”

SSG’s thoughts: Um, are you kidding me? This bitch is hiding half her face with a wad of hair. There is no way she is “confident with who [she] is, ” because I can barely see who she is. Not to mention the fact that she had to put an instagram filter over the shot!

Why Dean Thinks He’s Sexy: “I hope it’s because I seem like an intelligent down to earth guy with a sense of humor”

LAMag’s “Real” Reason: “Dean’s holding himself on the balls of his feet, showing he’s physically fit. His big jaw, cheekbones, and face reveal he has moderately high testosterone.” And apparently his dog, Prairie, shows that “Dean is someone who can connect.”

SSG’s thoughts: He’s wearing a visor. And his dog looks way more fun than he does. Nuff said.

Why Lola Thinks she’s Sexy: ” I guess I would say my eyes, because that is what guys compliment the most.

LAMag’s “Real” Reason: “Lola’s high cheekbones and deep-set eyes suggest a hormone balance favorable for having babies. Her white top suggests cleanliness and thus, good health– two pluses. Her downward gaze satisfies a primitive male concern about infidelity.”

SSG’s thoughts: If you think your eyes are the sexiest thing about you, why in hell would they be CLOSED in your profile picture? Is she saving them for someone special? I really don’t understand. And once again we have an instagram filtered pic…because we all know that instagram filters don’t fix any flaws AT ALL. And basically the psychologist is saying that she is showing her submissiveness, so men will know they can go all Christian Grey on her, right?

I would honestly love your thoughts on these. What do you think? Am I judging to harshly? Just right? Not enough? Let me know your thoughts, and the things you hate about pictures you see on online dating sites.