Part of what makes my sad single self so wonderfully sad, is my ability to be completely dense when it comes to anything romantic involving myself. When it comes to others, I can see it clear as day. To quote the classic amazing film that I have seen a lot because it is always on TBS, The Wedding Planner, starring none other than romantically challenged herself diva, Jennifer Lopez, “You know the expression. Those who don’t do teach? Well those who don’t wed plan!”

Sidenote about this movie and all of J. Lo's movies: she is always either 1. an orphan 2. has a dead parent 3. italian or white (which she clearly nis't)....why? just let her have two parents and be Puerto Rican or at least Mexican?

Well, I am basically ‘ole Jenny from the Block in the wedding planner, except no hot doctor is saving me from a dumpster rolling down the street to kill me. But I am that dense. If love was a dumpster it literally would have to run me over for me to notice it. I am basically that scene in Clueless where she is wandering around Bev Hills and then and the exact same moment the fountain goes off behind her in a triumphant cinematic moment, Cher realizes:

But Cher realizes BEFORE Tai does anything, before she has lost Josh! I seem to have these (far less triumphant moments…where is my special effects team to time fountains to my feelings??) when I actually realizes that someone has had any inkling of flirting, or whatever you could call toward me? Which is why I ask “A date or not a date?” (a la Hamlet, of course…although everyone did die in that. Hmmm.)

At least Hamlet had Yorik...

Some things I seem to be having a-ha moments about or can recognize when it happens to others that makes me go DATE:

1. If they show actual interest in you. This can often be misconstrued with someone asking questions simply to fill time. But if you have brought something up in conversation, and they remember it (!) by at least the end of the evening, this probably means they aren’t just filling time before they call their FWB.
2. If a guy offers to pay for your drink, and then keeps his tab open. This is a move that I often don’t realize is happening and offer to get the next round…don’t it will turn date into not a date.
3. If you are complimented on an object of clothing, hair, and/or eyes. Guys do not notice these things if they are not looking for SOME reason.

Any quickly realize it is NOT a date:

1. If an ex is mentioned in ANY way! Or worse, a CURRENT girlfriend! Or worse, a current BOYFRIEND! (I can be dense, but my gaydar is good at least).
2. If you have to go dutch on dinner! And even worse, if the guy doesn’t understand that you offering to pay is fake it makes you split…happened to a friend…ouch!

This is all I have so far…maybe the dense fog will start to clear for me a little? Let’s just hope the sun hasn’t already started to set once I can clearly see (ok, enough with the weird nature/romance metaphors). Happy dating/non-dating!

What will probably happen to me if I stay sad and single...or if I don't get Botox