So, for those of you readers that haven’t been paying attention, a lot has been going on in my life recently like major things…that kind of make me in a state of flux as of late. Which actually is great, it makes me willing to try new things, be corny as shit and “say yes to life.”

So much so, that when asked if I’m single and happy to be set up, I of course say yes. Because what’s the best that can happen? I meet the love of my life, we have a gorgeous wedding, and I rename this blog “The Amazing Adventures of a Bitch you all Should be Jealous” cause that ain’t never gonna happen. Worst case scenario: I get an awesome tale to add to my adventures!

Well….

So  a few weeks ago, I get an email from someone who I’ll admit I don’t know too well…but you know that type of person you are obsessed with growing up? Who you think is so cool? And then you realize that most of the people you thought were SO COOL now still wear their hair crimped with gel and large hoops, and figure she is probably not as cool either? Well, she is just as cool…and has her life together (ie husband, baby, job, house…together, right?) She when she emails you that she has a guy for you, he’s nice, owns his owns business, is Jewish, sure, whatevs. My babysitting career is only really introing me to married men and 7 year olds, so not a winning combo, so of course I say pass along my number.

Well, I am sure I have told you all that I try for optimism in these situations. So, when he called me shortly after, I ignored the fact that his voice sounded like he was a white “gangsta.” Or that he lived at home (for now), and was one of 8 kids. (I am really dumb. Duh….Jewish….8 kids…I am smarter than that!!)

Whatever. I agreed to meet him for a coffee date, his suggestion not mine. I know, I know, what Patti Stanger thinks about COFFEE DATES. I agree, but wasn’t even really sure I wanted to invest more time. I will also admit something else. Now, not everyone in this day and age needs to have an iPhone. I guess just most due. I did judge him a little for his texts showing up on my phone in green…incapatible?

The day of the date, I wasn’t going to be able to run back home and change. But, first it was a coffee date at Starbucks, and second, I don’t tend to wear sloppy clothing out of the house. This is important…it will be referred to a few times in the date.

So, I think I am playing it smart by getting there a few minutes late, upper hand or what have you? Well, he is running behind, and texts me that he is wearing a grey hoodie. Alright, as mentioned, I wasn’t in a ball gown or anything. They usually don’t require that at Starbucks. But I looked pretty cute…casual…normal. Well, this kid (yes, I will be referring to him as kid) walks in wearing a hoodie that would be big on Shaq. And he was smaller than me. And guess what else he is wearing? Oh yeah, that’s right. A kippah/ yarmulke/Jewish Headcovering.

Now, look, I’m Jewish. I would like to find a nice Jewish man to marry and raise my eventual kids Jewish. But I’m talking Jewish in the sense, that like, there will most likely be shellfish at our wedding, we’ll celebrate the major holidays, etc. Not I am going to shave my amazing hair and wear a wig and have 8 kids!

Oh, speaking of kids, want to hear this funny little anecdote that may I remind you came up on a FIRST DATE…? Here goes:Whilst discussing how the kid thinks that people don’t speak their minds enough and aren’t honest enough, he brought up a story about a friend and a girl (“some chic”) the friend was seeing. The girl was apparently leaning on a fence or something. “So you know how women look when they are about 1 to 2 months pregnant?” says the kid. “What?” I manage, because women DO NOT in the world I or most of you live in show that early. “Yeah, so I asked her how far long she was..” “Oh hell no,” I interrupt, ” you never ask that. Even if the baby is crowning. Never.” “Well, I know that now, but I didn’t mean she was fat. I just think that when women are pregnant they are the most beautiful…you know, cause my mom was always pregnant and now my sisters always are. I can’t wait till I have kids of my own.”

The vomit in my throat thankfully kept me from saying anything So I guess I can check pregnancy fetish off my list….

It only got worse from there. Because even though he seemingly runs and owns a what must be successful home theater install business, he like everyone in this town, wants to write movies. But they don’t just come from nowhere. They come from lucid dreams he has. Another thing that was shared on a first date. And somehow, ever idea he had, seemed to be really similar to The Hunger Games. Like one was  The Hunger Games minus the killing, the other was The HUnger Games set in 16th Century England, yet he couldn’t recognize it or acknowledge that his lucid dreams weren’t 100% original.

Oh, and then also in-between all his lucid dream writings, and home theater installs, he is training to be an MMA fighter. I’m just gonna leave that one alone, and say again, FIRST DATE.

But because he is so busy, he can’t be bothered to wear clothing, only pajamas. In Public. I was lucky enough that he but jeans on for me, but he obviously was still wearing his pajama tops. And he somehow could not understand when I asked how this affects his business, you know, since he was bragging about going into such high rolling clients homes. Well, according to the kid, he will only “roll up to a client’s house in pajamas once they are super close.” But still, I must assure you readers, I would never let this jackass into my home dressed even in what I can assume he considers his “fancy best.” Well, he assured me, that once he opens his mouth, he casts a spell on them, and their home theater installs are all his…I am still confused though, wouldn’t you want to not have to convince anyone, rather dress to impress, and have the fact that you can do the job just be the cherry on top? It was like speaking to an infant, which he was.

So needless to say, I have not been in contact with him, nor has he with me. I think he got the hint when we walked out of Starbucks, I fake yawned, and said “It was nice chatting,” and walked away.”

But, men, an hour and a half of my life could have been spared if only you were able to pay attention to details…not just that you are boring and I was leaning back in my chair as far as possible (if interested, a girl will lean in). No the real clue came, just moments in when we ordered our drinks. What did I order? A tall Chamomile tea. Basically, the smallest drink, and I don’t need to stay awake to talk to you, cause this ain’t going anywhere….all in a tiny little cup.

Well, I will not turn down any future setups. I am still in a place of yes…because you really never know. BUT, I sincerely wonder if I did something wrong to this person who set me up? Does she think this poorly of me that THIS is who she sees me with? Really? I am not saying I am the top catch of Los Angeles…clearly far from it at this juncture in my life. But was I just Punk’d?