In honor of writing my 100th post on Friday, which now means that this is my 101 post…which just makes me think of 101 Dalmations….which of course makes me think of Cruella de Vil…which of course makes me think of dying alone…I bring you 101 Reasons I Am Sad And [Still] Single.
1. Bradley Cooper won’t return my calls (and the restraining order is still enforced!)
2. I get really shy around guys…
3. Or I can act really defensive around guys
4. I cross my arms at bars, and stand in the corner
5. When a guy asks me to dance I tell him no
6. Patti Stanger wouldn’t let me into the Millionaire’s Club after I refused to straighten my hair
7. My idea of the perfect man is Uncle Jesse (especially the living in the attic of your dead sister’s families house)
8. I travel a lot for work
9. I network too much and never have time to go on a date
10. I have a better job than most guys my age so that intimidates them
11. My idea of a fun date is anywhere that Martha Stewart would love to hangout (Michael’s, Color-me Mine)
12. My cats take up too much space in my apartment for a guy
13. When a guy asked me to send him a naked picture, I went to the grocery store and took a picture of a Naked Juice bottle
14. My bed is filled with my priceless Beanie Babies collection, that can not be moved from their specific spots
15. The walls of my bedroom are filled with my priceless doll collection that stare at me while I sleep
16. I laugh like Janice from Friends
17. I friend every guy I meet on facebook and then get upset when they don’t remember me
18. My iPhone has a setting on it that randomly calls people, and it seems to only be guys, guys that I have gone out with. How weird!
19. My idea of foreplay is you emptying my litterbox…meow!!
20. I call your mom after date number two to see how compatible our families will be.
21. Guys only use me to get to my hotter friends.
22. I’ll say yes to any guy who asks me out on a date…even if I’m not attracted in the least bit
23. I only seem to attract weirdos
24. I google and facebook stalk every guy I go out with before a first date
25. I also do a follow-up stalk after the date with the details he has provided on the date
26. My sarcasm is always taken too seriously
27. Mr. Darcy is a fictional character.
28. It’s easier to look at a phone then at a guy (no matter how Ryan Gosling-y he is)
29. I play so hard to get, that I end up actually losing
30. I love drama…so how am I supposed to settle for a plain old relationship when Blair Waldorf gets to be with Chuck, then someone else, then Chuck, then someone else, then Chuck, then the lispy prince, now Dan! DRAMA!!
31. Being Jewish, it ain’t easy finding a boy who is taller than me when I am taller than 5’8 (without my Manolos!)
32. I was a great wing woman for all my friends, but now of no one to go to the bar with and help me get a man
33. I never go anywhere to meet any one, unless the Trader Joe’s in Weho counts….
34. I really do believe in fairytales…damn you Disney!
35.I’m still hoping my ex will want me back some day
36. My ex ran off with someone else
37. I am the pickiest person you will ever meet…
38. I can’t tolerate men that eat fast food
39. I also can’t tolerate men that play video games
40. I keep hearing people say something about Halitosis, but I don’t really know what that is
41. Whenever I eat, it looks like I have lost a tooth.
42. I am really trying to bring the Mullet back into style
43. Whenever I go to the movies with a date, I tell them the ending before it happens
44. I have an extremely small bladder
45. I only go out with guys that are way out of my league
46. I only go out with guys that I am way out of their league
47. I don’t like to compromise
48. I will never make a real decision
49. I only like to eat one dish and order the same thing no matter what restaurant you take me to
50. I am way too easy
51. I am such a prude
52. You can tell how desperate I am by the tramp stamp on my back
53. I constantly tell people I love them after one date
54. My favorite catchphrase to use is “Whaaaazzzzzup!”
55. My favorite catchphrase to use is “BOOYAH”
56. My favorite catchphrase to use is “As If!”
57. I have favorite catchphrases
58. I would miss being asked by my grandmother “So, is there anyone special in your life?” and seeing the crushing disappointment when she realizes she will never have great-grandchildren
58. I would miss being asked by random family friends when I visit home “So, is there anyone special in your life?” and seeing them smirk at the fact that THEIR kids are married
59. I would miss being asked by random strangers “So, is there anyone special in your life?” and trying to decipher what their expression to my saying no means
60. I am too fat
61. I am too thin
62. I am too tall
63. I am too short
64. I am too pale
65. I am too tan
66. My hair is too blonde
67. My hair is too brown
68. I am a GINGER
69. My hair is too long
70. My hair is too short
71. I eat red meat
72. I’m a vegan
73. I’m gluten-free
74. I don’t believe in killing animals for our enjoyment, and this includes murdering plants by cooking them above what we humans recognize as body temperature.
75. I think shaving is unnatural
76. I think soap is unnatural
77. I am too desperate to have men find me attractive
78. I am not desperate enough to date the losers that hit on me
79. I have an idea of someone in my head that is perfect and I just haven’t found them yet
80. I always think the next guy will be better than the last
81. I am not very good at cheating on people
82. I am constantly being cheated on
83. The guy I am sleeping with promises he will leave his wife, but on facebook I am still single
84. I wouldn’t want to have to take down “in a relationship” on facebook if I every did break up with someone and have people ask lots of questions
85. I think that eye contact is making the first move
88. I am oblivious to being asked out
89. I believe in love at first sight
90. I am turned off by physical imperfections
91. I’ll stay in if I have a zit
92. I wear too much makeup
93. I don’t believe in makeup
94. I only talk about myself
95. I don’t talk about anything personal at all
96. I get tongue-tied around men
97. I can’t really trust anyone
98. I trust too easily and thus, scare men away
99. I scare men away with my morning hair/breathe
100. If they liked it, they would have put a ring on it
101. Because…I don’t know. What are you looking at me for? Huh? If I had ALL the answers I CLEARLY wouldn’t still be single, right?
*Please refer to #26 if you are unable to see that most of these reasons are a joke.