101 Reasons I Am Sad And [Still] Single

In honor of writing my 100th post on Friday, which now means that this is my 101 post…which just makes me think of 101 Dalmations….which of course makes me think of Cruella de Vil…which of course makes me think of dying alone…I bring you 101 Reasons I Am Sad And [Still] Single.

Oh, this crazy bitch had no one that loved her either....

    1. Bradley Cooper won’t return my calls (and the restraining order is still enforced!)

    "Hey, Brad...it's SSG again!"

    2. I get really shy around guys…

    3. Or I can act really defensive around guys

    4. I cross my arms at bars, and stand in the corner

    5. When a guy asks me to dance I tell him no

    6. Patti Stanger wouldn’t let me into the Millionaire’s Club after I refused to straighten my hair

    Oh, you won't straighten your hair? You're out! Leave!! Go! Good Riddance.

    7. My idea of the perfect man is Uncle Jesse (especially the living in the attic of your dead sister’s families house)

    8. I travel a lot for work

    9. I network too much and never have time to go on a date

    10. I have a better job than most guys my age so that intimidates them

    11. My idea of a fun date is anywhere that Martha Stewart would love to hangout (Michael’s, Color-me Mine)

    12. My cats take up too much space in my apartment for a guy

    13. When a guy asked me to send him a naked picture, I went to the grocery store and took a picture of a Naked Juice bottle

    14. My bed is filled with my priceless Beanie Babies collection, that can not be moved from their specific spots

    15. The walls of my bedroom are filled with my priceless doll collection that stare at me while I sleep

    16. I laugh like Janice from Friends

    17. I friend every guy I meet on facebook and then get upset when they don’t remember me

    18. My iPhone has a setting on it that randomly calls people, and it seems to only be guys, guys that I have gone out with. How weird!

    19. My idea of foreplay is you emptying my litterbox…meow!!

    20. I call your mom after date number two to see how compatible our families will be.

    21. Guys only use me to get to my hotter friends.

    22. I’ll say yes to any guy who asks me out on a date…even if I’m not attracted in the least bit

    23. I only seem to attract weirdos

    24. I google and facebook stalk every guy I go out with before a first date

    25. I also do a follow-up stalk after the date with the details he has provided on the date

    26. My sarcasm is always taken too seriously

    27. Mr. Darcy is a fictional character.

    FItzwilliam or Mark

    28. It’s easier to look at a phone then at a guy (no matter how Ryan Gosling-y he is)

    29. I play so hard to get, that I end up actually losing

    30. I love drama…so how am I supposed to settle for a plain old relationship when Blair Waldorf gets to be with Chuck, then someone else, then Chuck, then someone else, then Chuck, then the lispy prince, now Dan! DRAMA!!

    31. Being Jewish, it ain’t easy finding a boy who is taller than me when I am taller than 5’8 (without my Manolos!)

    32. I was a great wing woman for all my friends, but now of no one to go to the bar with and help me get a man

    33. I never go anywhere to meet any one, unless the Trader Joe’s in Weho counts….

    34. I really do believe in fairytales…damn you Disney!

    35.I’m still hoping my ex will want me back some day

    36. My ex ran off with someone else

    37. I am the pickiest person you will ever meet…

    38. I can’t tolerate men that eat fast food

    39. I also can’t tolerate men that play video games

    40. I keep hearing people say something about Halitosis, but I don’t really know what that is

    41. Whenever I eat, it looks like I have lost a tooth.

    42. I am really trying to bring the Mullet back into style

    43. Whenever I go to the movies with a date, I tell them the ending before it happens

    44. I have an extremely small bladder

    45. I only go out with guys that are way out of my league

    46. I only go out with guys that I am way out of their league

    47. I don’t like to compromise

    48. I will never make a real decision

    49. I only like to eat one dish and order the same thing no matter what restaurant you take me to

    50. I am way too easy

    51. I am such a prude

    52. You can tell how desperate I am by the tramp stamp on my back


    53. I constantly tell people I love them after one date

    54. My favorite catchphrase to use is “Whaaaazzzzzup!”

    55. My favorite catchphrase to use is “BOOYAH”

    56. My favorite catchphrase to use is “As If!”

    57. I have favorite catchphrases

    58. I would miss being asked by my grandmother “So, is there anyone special in your life?” and seeing the crushing disappointment when she realizes she will never have great-grandchildren

    58. I would miss being asked by random family friends when I visit home “So, is there anyone special in your life?” and seeing them smirk at the fact that THEIR kids are married

    59. I would miss being asked by random strangers “So, is there anyone special in your life?” and trying to decipher what their expression to my saying no means

    60. I am too fat

    61. I am too thin

    62. I am too tall

    63. I am too short

    64. I am too pale

    65. I am too tan

    66. My hair is too blonde

    67. My hair is too brown

    68. I am a GINGER

    69. My hair is too long

    70. My hair is too short

    71. I eat red meat

    72. I’m a vegan

    73. I’m gluten-free

    74. I don’t believe in killing animals for our enjoyment, and this includes murdering plants by cooking them above what we humans recognize as body temperature.

    75. I think shaving is unnatural

    76. I think soap is unnatural

    77. I am too desperate to have men find me attractive

    78. I am not desperate enough to date the losers that hit on me

    79. I have an idea of someone in my head that is perfect and I just haven’t found them yet

    80. I always think the next guy will be better than the last

    81. I am not very good at cheating on people

    82. I am constantly being cheated on

    83. The guy I am sleeping with promises he will leave his wife, but on facebook I am still single

    84. I wouldn’t want to have to take down “in a relationship” on facebook if I every did break up with someone and have people ask lots of questions

    85. I think that eye contact is making the first move

    86. I have a wonky eye, and can’t really make great eye contact

    87. I never really like to make the first move

    88. I am oblivious to being asked out

    89. I believe in love at first sight

    90. I am turned off by physical imperfections

    91. I’ll stay in if I have a zit

    92. I wear too much makeup

    93. I don’t believe in makeup

    94. I only talk about myself

    95. I don’t talk about anything personal at all

    96. I get tongue-tied around men

    97. I can’t really trust anyone

    98. I trust too easily and thus, scare men away

    99. I scare men away with my morning hair/breathe

    100. If they liked it, they would have put a ring on it

    oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh....


    101. Because…I don’t know. What are you looking at me for? Huh? If I had ALL the answers I CLEARLY wouldn’t still be single, right?

*Please refer to #26 if you are unable to see that most of these reasons are a joke.

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