Sad Single Gal of the Day: Lena Dunham for The New Yorker

UGHHHHHHH! Seriously, can I barf on her? She is filled with such smarmy self-satisfaction of “I don’t fit into the confines of typical Hollywoodness that I’m just going to be so weird and make you believe my weird is so wonderfully weird and acceptable.” UGGGGHHH, even the way she speaks make me want to punch her….

Take a look at the video (this oh so “clever” video) that Lena did for new app for The New Yorker:

Sorry if you are in love with this nonsense, but really?? Come on sweetheart, stop it! Stop making fun of things in your highbrow, highwaisted world that you have concocted for yourself! And before you say, “SSG, she creates such a positive self image for girls!” BULLLLLLL to the SHITTT! No! The characters on her show are all overprivileged Girls with over realized expectations. Because you know what? I actually do exactly what the mom in the pilot said to do when Lena’s character was cut off and complained that she was “the voice of her generation.” I have a fucking job…and I write a blog! So, I guess this SSG of the Day also goes out top all you ladies who sit and stare at the TV and think “that is so my life (or the life I want)” while you watch Girls. Because really? I’m serious….REALLY???

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Sad Single Gal of The Day: Kourtney Kardashian

And before you say, wasn’t your last post about the other Kartrashian sister? And, bitch is rich, whatever…take a look at this cover of UsWeekly that came out this morning:

Kourtney “I will never change my last name because that is the only thing I have going for my” Kardashian, and her son Mason, and newborn Penelope “because the nickname is Penny, and you are mommy’s NEW little moneymaker” Scotland

 

So why is she the SSG of the Day? Well, because all of these celebrity magazine covers are pretty sad. It’s like parading your baby out n the public for the world to see. And notice who isn’t on the cover with the “Happy Fam?” You got it!!

SCOTT! He did his job, put a baby in her belly, and gave her gold and when I say gold, I really mean money, like stacks of it, in her hand, as payment for this photoshoot.) Soooo…of course he doesn’t have to change a diaper. In a year or so, Kourtney will unlock her bedroom door, Scott will “do his job,” and we will have yet another cover of UsWeekly with Scott once again missing…

Don’t let Kourtney’s Beverly Hills perfected teeth trick you…or the wads of money that are in the pillows she is sitting on. There are Sad, Single Tears under there….BUT Pimp Mama Kris keeps making sure none us see a single drop!!

Sad Single Gal of the Day: Natalie Portman’s Wedding Dress

Ok, Natalie Portman…I understand. You wanted a traditional Jewish wedding dress. So for some reason you decided to wear a reject Bat Mitzvah dress from 1953/an Amish party dress/ a life size American Girl Doll outfit that you wear at the same time your doll does when you go to American Girl Doll Place at the Grove. Somehow with all her money, fame, prettiness, she managed to look like this:

Now if this doesn’t scream child bride, I don’t know what does! Is this a reject costume from Big Love?

Well, Natalie…and your heinous dress…all I have to say, is thank god you are no longer single! Because this dress….Just NO! NOPE!

 

And for any one out there going, whatever, it was for religious reasons, I am actually going to stand up for a Trump right now….Ivanka…who converted to Judaism, and then wore this religiously appropriate dress, that is also beautiful:

Much more Grace Kelly, as opposed to Natalie in her dress up nightgown look

Sad Single Gal of the Day: The iMessage Icon

Because really what’s more sad and lonely than this little icon when no red marker appears all weekend long…because you know you are trying to convince yourself you aren’t waiting for Mr. I’m So Not Thinking About Him to text. But you clearly are! And the worst is when your friend with her lovely, wonderful BF keeps getting texts all night long…all weekend long…barf….

So here’s to dreaming of a day where my imessage icon will go from sad to fab!!

maybe that’s from him??? But it’s probably from my mom….

 

(thank you to my no longer sad or single sister for forever being the spellcheck police….)

Sad Single Gal of The Day: Robert Pattinson

Yeah, he’s a dude…but, come on…K.Stew’s always been the man in that PR lovefest! R.Pat’s vampire blood tears (I don’t do Twilight, so I only know my Vamps from the sex riddled True Blood) win him the first ever honor of Sad Single Gal of The Day….for reports that he is crying his eyes out up at Reese Witherspoon’s “ranch” (aka mansion designed in a rustic fashion). Don’t cry for him Twi-hards, he’s now single! You have a chance….(and most likely they were never together and this is all just PR anyway!!) So, cheer up Robbie! Welcome to the Single Club.